I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant! -Frank Hamlin, football announcer
This time we finish it. There can be only one! -Santa
It's coming right for us! -Stan's Uncle Jimbo
The Bitch must die! -Mr. Hat
Oh my god! They killed Kenny! You Bastard! -Stan/Kyle
)
"Your mother is what we Indians call, 'Bear With Wide Canyon'"
--Chief Runningwater to Eric Cartman (Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut)
CARTMAN QUOTES:
My mom said there's a lot of black people in Africa."
"Democrats piss me off."
"Well, you know, you'll just be sitting there minding your own business, then they'll come in and crawl up your leg and start biting the inside of your ass. And you'll be like, HEY! Get out my ass you stupid rainbows!"
"I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
"Ok. That does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going into or coming out of my ass?!"
"My mom said that if you want to become a lesbian, you have to lick carpet."
"If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, HEY! Why don't you stop dressing me up like a mailman while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"
"Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!"
"Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionare!"
"Eh, too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire."
"Ehhh, eh, anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two."
"Luckily for us, my mom's a total lush!"
"We're never gunna get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!"
'Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllll. Kyles Mums a bitch, a big fat bitch shes the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, shes a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair shes a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitc. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch shes a stupid bitch. Kyles mums a bitch and shes just a dirty bitch. Kyles mum, is a biiiiiiiiittttttccccchhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!'
"Don't mind him he's a poor disturbed little boy.
"Your not going to ride on Santa's sleigh cause your a jew, kyle.
"Follow your dreams. You can meet your goals. I am living proof. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!!"
"'Cause I'm hella-cool, that's why."
"He's my evil twin? But he doesn't even look that much like me. He's all fat and stuff."
KYLE QUOTES:
"Cartman, you're such a fat ass, that when you walk down the street, people go, Goddammit! That's a big fat ass!"
"Well, I was just digging around, and I was all like DUDE! I found this triangle, and my friends were like DUDE! And I was all DUDE!"
You're such a fat fuck... that when you walk down the street, people go GOD DAMMIT! That is a big, fat fuck!
Oh FUCK! I'm sorry Jesus, please don't kill me! -
"Your Mom is on the cover of Crack, Whore Magazine."
STAN QUOTES:
"How do you know she has a cat?"
"But mom, I don't want a gay dog. I want a butch dog. I want a Rin-Tin-Tin."
Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus...
'Get on the bus were running late' Ms Crabtree
'Were not getting on you fat ugly bitch' Stan
'WHAT DID YOU SAY!??!!?' Ms Crabtree
'I said were not getting on you fat ugly bitch' Stan
'Oh, okay' Ms Crabtree
'Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllllll. Kyles Mums a bitch, a big fat bitch shes the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, shes a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair shes a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch shes a stupid bitch. Kyles mums a bitch and shes just a dirty bitch. Kyles mum, is a biiiiiiiiittttttccccchhhhhhhAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!' Cartman
Mr Hat may I please be excused from class?"
"NO! You hear me? You go to hell. You go to hell and you die!"
--Kyle and Mr Hat, South Park
SIMPSON'S QUOTES:
Prank Calls:
Moe: Hello Moe's Tavern.
Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
Moe: Who
Bart: Freely first initials I.P.
Moe: Hold on, I'll check (calls out) is I.P. Freely here? I.P. Freely?
Moe: Hello Moe's Tavern
Bart: Is Jaques there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Jacques, Last Name Strap
Moe: Hold on (calling out) Jacques Strap! Hey, guys I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!
Moe: Hello Moe's Tavern
Bart: Is Hugh there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Hugh, Last Name Jass
Moe: Hold on (calling out) Hugh Jass! Hey, guys I'm looking for a Hugh Jass!
Moe: Hello Moe's Tavern
Bart: Is Amanda there?
Moe: Who?
Bart: Amanda, Last Name Hug'n'kiss
Moe: Hold on (calling out) Hey, guys I'm looking for Amanda Hug'n'Kiss!
Homer: "Marge what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Is it Gas? Its gas isn't it?"
TV Announcer: The following is a public service announcement. Excessive alcohol can cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum.
Homer: Mmm... Beer.
Homer: Step aside, everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville, Population you.
Bart: I'll take up smoking and give that up.
Homer: Good for you son, Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.
Homer: Where is Bart, anyway? His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
Bart: Wow, Dad you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh, Bartholomew. I feel like St. Augustine of hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan
Ned: What was that?
Homer: Screw you Flanders
Homer: Marge, its 3a.m. and I worked all day!
Marge: It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool
Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no eggnog. In fact no nog, period. And third absolutely no stealing for three months.
Homer: And how is education suppose to make me feel smarter? Besides, everytime I learn something new it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine making course, and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: No TV and no beer make Homer something something.
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do
Pepe : Your the best dad Papa Homer.
Homer: Your the best son Pepsi.
Pepe : Pepe.
Homer: Pepe.
Bart Simpson:
"I'm Bart Simpson, who the Hell are you?"
"Eat my shorts."
"I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!"
" Kiss you? But Dad, I'm your kid!"
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub."
"Don't have a cow, man."
"Cool, I broke his brain!"
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures."
"What if you're a really good person, but you get into a really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?"
"Well, you're damned if you do, and you're damned if you don't."
"No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.
This chair smells like hot dogs" -- Ralph Wiggums
"Me fail english? That unpossible!" -- Ralph Wiggums
"When I grow up I wanna be a principal... Or a caterpiller." -- Ralph Wiggum
"We're a totem pole!" -- Ralph Wiggum
"Go banana!" -- Ralph Wiggum
"This is my sand-box, I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. That's where I met the Leprechaun. He teels me to burn things." -- Ralph Wiggum
"Good morning Super Nintendo Chommers!" -- Ralph Wiggum
Ralph: ... and when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Ralph: [pauses] My cat's name is Mittens.
Ralph: [skipping with his diorama] I beat the smart kids! I beat the smart kids! I -- [trips] I bent my Wookie.
Ralph: My cat's breath smells like cat food
WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY QUOTES
If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!"-Ryan Stiles
"If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me."-Ryan Stiles
"We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon."-Ryan Stiles
"I put it on my head like so, and I look like Jiffy Pop. That's why I say, Jiffy Pop."-Ryan Stiles
"I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982."-Ryan Stiles
"Never trust sheep"-Ryan Stiles
"We're evil Smurfs, we're evil Smurfs, we're evil, evil evil Smurfs!"-Ryan Stiles
"If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian"-Ryan Stiles
"Care to be touched by an angel?"-Ryan Stiles
"You made me giggle."-Ryan Stiles
"When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I'm damn gouda."-Ryan Stiles
"I look like Walt Disney just threw up."-Ryan Stiles
"That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy."-Ryan Stiles
"You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards."-Ryan Stiles
"It's the mummy from Canada."-Ryan Stiles
"Well, I'd like to thank everyone who made this...what? Satan is my master?"-Ryan Stiles
"I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States."-Ryan Stiles
"Ladies and gentlemen you'll hear a lot of rumors about stars, how much they make...Drew Carey for instance a lot of people say he made forty-five million dollars last year. After he pays taxes he's lucky if he clears thirty million ladies and gentlemen. A man has to eat! Please, Gary Coleman is a security guard! Send your money now!"-Ryan
Stiles
The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey!"-Ryan Stiles
"It all started with a badly timed bald joke!"-Colin Mochrie
"9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of the 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9"-Colin Mochrie
"Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!"-Colin Mochrie
"There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky."-Colin Mochrie, Interview
"Get my brown pants!"-Colin Mochrie
"Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?"-Colin Mochrie
"My God, youre beautiful! Kiss me, kiss me like youve never kissed an anchor before!"-Colin Mochrie
"Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?"-Colin Mochrie
"We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second."-Colin Mochrie
"The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs."-Colin Mochrie
"You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school."-Colin Mochrie
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage."-Colin Mochrie
"I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!"-Colin Mochrie
"Look,I know this is our first date,but.....I LOVE YOU!BE WITH ME!!!"-Greg Proops
"It was really nice of you to invite me up Melanie.......NINTINDO!"-Greg Proops
"You sound hecka fun."-Greg Proops
"I love the nightlife. I like to boogie."-Greg Proops
"Thank you so much. Well Mr. Bond, I suppose you think this is it, perhaps you'd like to make love to my mistress before I fondue the world! Minky doesn't like the anchor do you Minky? You make her very upset, perhaps you'd like to drop into my pool of piranhas? Oh that one never works."-Greg Proops
"You're a big scary man in a black hat."-Greg Proops
"I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness."-Greg Proops
"I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area."-Greg Proops
"How would you like to make money in real estate?"-Greg Proops
"Gentlemen, today's mission is of the gravest importance. The Imir of Groovefunkistan, a small middle eastern country, is coming to visit the president in Washington, DC. However, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, the George C. Clark hotel - you don't know him, nevermind - and clean a burnoose for the Imir of Groovefunkistan."-Greg Proops
"President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps."-Greg Proops
"Well, we'll be back at eleven, but stay tuned next for America's Favorite Satanists. That's been the news, good night."-Greg Proops
"And I never tell the truth, 'cause I'm the president"-Greg Proops
"Good evening everyone, I'm Twice Nightly. And this is the action news, these are the headlines. Insane cow tries moon jump, dish and spoon still missing."-Greg Proops
"That's been the news, stay tuned for America's Most Hilarious Amphibians. Coming up next."-Greg Proops
"It's a come as primate party."-Greg Proops
"Leave my cat alone, you big..."-Greg Proops
"Well, my woman stayed true, and I'm sober."-Greg Proops
"And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get."-Drew Carey
"What a come-from-behind, pay-off-the-umpire victory they had."-Drew Carey
"A thousand points for everybody. Of course, I have to
subtract five hundred points for Ryan because he forgot to kick a photographer."-Drew Carey
"Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand, but for you, nine ninety-nine! Nine ninety-nine! I'm giving the points away, only nine ninety-nine! I'm craaaazy."-Drew Carey
"Hello. And welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada."-Drew Carey
"Colin, I'm kidding around, buddy, I'm just joking around, Colin, it was just a joke. Very sorry. I love Canada, it's the greatest place in the whole wide world. If you never saw the show before--you'll probably never see it again in Canada--what happens is, these four talented people,
including the one extra-talented one from Canada, are going to come up here, and they're going to improvise scenes for you based on suggestions from the audience and what's written on these cards, they've never seen what's on
these cards before. They're going to make up everything off the top of their head, it's really fun."-Drew Carey
"Hey, to recap the scores, people keeping track at home,
Brad: who knows, Wayne: who cares, Colin: I forgot, Ryan: minus 73."-Drew Carey
"Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?"-Drew Carey
"Five thousand points a piece and, hey, kids, if you're at home watching this with your parents, just pretend you didn't understand that last one."-Drew Carey
"Satan's in the house, it's a party!"-Wayne Brady
"Now, back in 1924, all the kids listened. They had two ears and they all listened. I'll beat your a--."-Wayne Brady
"But I will unleash the wrath of hell upon you."-Wayne Brady
"Leave rocket boy alone."-Chip Esten
"Martha Stewart said that was enough."-Chip Esten
"... and you... are a bald guy."-Chip Esten
"Well, before I guess, I choose Larry."-Chip Esten
"I love love and I love to love love."-Chip Esten
"I haven't eaten in two weeks, I'm not eating like I should. But, there in the corral, look at that now, mmmm, that horse looks good!"-Chip Esten
"Packed, I can almost hear you, but I've got my fingers in my ears."-Chip Esten
"So if you see a star and he needs a little money So come on baby give it to him this isn't funny! Just reach into your pocket, and pull out some change, Come on baby help a star it's not strange!"-Brad Sherwood
"Give your money to all these poor bleached blondes And help out, good old Potsie, Chachi, Joanie and the Fonz."-Brad Sherwood
"You might not win."-Brad Sherwood
"The last guy tried to get out of me writing him a ticket by saying, 'Kiss me, big boy, kiss me like there's no tomorrow!'...as I recall, I didn't write that ticket."-Brad Sherwood
"The last time I said what I 'really' thought of Colin, his wife issued a restraining order on me. And, he's not allowed to call me when he's drunk." - Brad Sherwood, Interview
"I think Bachelor number two wasn't held enough as a child."-Brad Sherwood
"Bachelor number three, woo me, woo me, woo me."-Brad Sherwood
"Does it have any stealth equipment? Because I hate those stealth elephants."-Brad Sherwood
"If you get this right, I'll give you a million dollars, and I'll show you some lovin' like you've never seen!"-Brad Sherwood
"What the hey!"-Brad Sherwood
But you know, we have more hits than you can possibly think about. One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved."-Colin Mochrie
"It was good stuff."-Ryan Stiles
"Let's not say 'stuff' anymore."-Colin Mochrie
"To save money for sitcom stars. Take it easy. We got to keep the phones ringing people. We need to make some money. Let's check that tote board...two hundred and fifty million? Is that the best we can do?"-Ryan
"That'll barely cover the hair mousse for the set of Friends. Keep giving people!"-Colin
"You know Colin, growing up in the 40's as I did, there's one song that's close to my heart to this day. It's a do-wop hit... I don't know if you remember it..."-Ryan
"No, I don't."-Colin
"I don't either. It's a Do-wop hit and its title is..."-Ryan
"Oh, the anticipation is incredible. I bet it's going to be so hilarious!"-Colin
"Have I told you how much I love working with you?"-Ryan
"People you wish would just shut-up."-Drew
"People you wish would just shut-up."-Wayne
"Yes, the wonderful country of Africa."-Drew
"And if you took geography, you'd know Africa's a continent."-Greg
OTHER QUOTES:
