*DaRk*

I did not mean

I did not mean to change your life
or to make you cry
I did not mean to say hello
let alone say goodbye.
I did not mean for you to see
I tried to hide the truth
I did not mean to hurt you
when I said I wasn't in love with you.
I did not mean for this to happen
how was I to know?
that you would end your life so young
and leave us all alone. ScReAmInG oN tHe InSiDe

I ignored that voice in my head
that told me to get out of this
but I felt too lonely by myself
I believed you when you said
I was never good enough.

You lied to me about everything
how you really felt about me
you'd shout,hit me,and scream
and still I stayed with you
too ashamed and beaten to leave.

Deep down I knew what you were doing
was wrong,and that I should get some help
everytime you'd hear my footsteps by the door
you'd get down on your knees and beg
for one more chance,just one more chance.

I'd put down my suitcase
and you would kiss me
the rest of the day would go perfect
and then I'd wake up the morning after
you were back to your same cold self.

I tried to hide the bruises
the scars,the pain,the anguish
you made me feel worthless
that I meant nothing to this world
that I WAS nothing.

One night I tried to end it all
took the knife and began to cut
I cried at the sight of it
hoping maybe you'd wake up
and get me to stop.

But you were fast asleep
snug in your nice warn bed
I drove the knife deeper
and turned on the bathtub water
just in case you can hear my sobs.

I don't remember waking up in the hospital
or feeling all the wires attached to me
what i do remember is the doctor standing there
telling me how lucky I was to be alive
and that it was almost too late.

So I guess you found me after all
you didn't let me die
that doesn't change what you did to me in the past
it's all inside my head, all the horrible memories
for years my heart and soul were robbed.

Leaving the anger behind was hard
but through therapy I made peace
not only with you,but with myself
I learned how to love myself better
I deserved better all along.

I haven't seen you since that night
I don't want to either
you were what I once was
and what I would never be again
YOUR VICTIM.

Goodbye World

Goodbye world
hello to pain
my friends think I'm lieing
but I'll do it someday.
Would they care
if I picked up a gun
would they wonder
'is there anything I could've done'?
If they saw me in the newspaper
under the obituaries
would they shed a tear and say
that they used to know me?
I hope they believe me now
about what I told them about my family
I can't even walk in the house
without someone abusing me.
My family means nothing
they don't care about me
I used to live only for myself
but this is my fate you see.
I can just pull the trigger
end my life so fast
I want to do it
but somethings holding me back.
I see an image in my head
its of God crying
he doesn't want me to leave
my soul already feels like it's dieing.
Will somebody up there
please say a prayer for me?
help me get throught this
love is all I need.
I just need someone to listen
not to push me away
I stare down at the gun one more time
before making the choice to throw it away

The ultimate escape?

I'll see you
on the other side
we'll be reunited
no bittersweet goodbyes.

Do you want
to come with me?
we'll share our journey
into eternity.

We don't need anyone else
to come along
just me and you
singing our sad song.

Hand in hand
we'll make it through
I could never
have done this without you.....

You won't even know me.....

What happened to me
that makes me act so cold?
I get so frustrated at everyone
and lash out like I'm 10 years old.

For most of my life
I was quiet and very shy
but then a few months ago
I started showing my other side.

I was tired of being taken advantage of
just because I was nice
and I hated that my friends only came around
whenever they needed some kind of advice.

After awhile I just didn't give a damn
and in a way, I still don't
my needs come first from now on
if you want me to change, I won't.

I do miss the old me sometimes
how I was so naive about life
the littlest things made me smile
but everyone's betrayal cut like a knife.

Now I don't feel any pain
I distance myself everyone else
don't care if I fit in or not
I'm just being myself.

I won't let myself get walked on
and I'm sorry if you think I should be
but my life has been a constant struggle
and right now I only care about me.

So I'll lock my heart away
and throw away the key
that way i can't get hurt
and then you'll never really know me...

StOpPiNg ThE aBuSe
Stopping The Abuse

There once was a time
when my heart became blind.

You moved right in without a warning
I let you take my heart and abuse me.

I was weak, I could not stand
you never even lent me a helping hand.

Everything,you said, was all my fault
and I took it,insult after insult.

Withdrawn I became, a perfect stranger
I had noone to protect me from your danger.

Where would I hide,where would I go?
you told me I'd never make it on my own.

Please,I'd whisper,please don't hit me
I'll be good,I'll do anything.

But still things never got any better
no more how many tears stained every letter.

You refused to accept them
claimed that I didn't know 'real men'.

Well real men don't hit those they love
they show affection,don't push and shove.

You never listened to what I had to say
everyday I tried to take my life away.

I begged God to answer my plea
'will you please take away my suffering?'

I never got an answer to my prayer
made me doubt that he was ever even there.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands
to stop playing the victim and take a stand.

After you beat me for the very last time
I woke up at a quarter to five.

Trembling I held the gun up to your head
pulled the trigger-bang-you're dead.

Eating Disorder

What is an eating disorder
is it a fear of getting fat?
if so, then I wonder
why I always feel like that.

For my whole life
I have remained thin
but I keep having these thoughts
that are telling me to stay fit.

I'm scared to eat my favorite foods
because I don't want to gain weight
why is this happening to me?
my self-control is slipping away.

I tell myself I'm not hungry
when I know I really am
all I eat now is vegetables
and have started a new diet plan.

I'm already skinny as can be
why do I feel like I'm not?
the mirror tells me another story
and inside my mind,the flesh it rots.

This obcession of mine needs to stop
but I don't know how to make it
everywhere I turn, its there
begging me to just let it in....